Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Starring: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, Leo Howard
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Rating: R
Genre: Action, Adventure
2011

Times Seen:
Tim: 1

Summary: Conan (Jason Momoa) teams with a pure-blood woman (Rachel Nichols) to stop a murderer (Stephen Lang) bent on becoming a god.

Review:

Tim: Conan the Barbarian is not a movie that should have been made. The original starring Arnold Schwarzenegger exceeded all expectations, as it was a legitimately good movie. This film brings that story crashing back to earth. This is a joyless, empty film that has no substance. I was distracted by everything while watching it, because it doesn't give us a single reason to care or invest in the story. This is an ultralight, throwaway movie. I didn't care for it at all.

Jason Momoa wasn't terrible, but he doesn't have 1/10 the screen presence or charisma that Arnold Schwarzenegger has. He's completely forgettable as Conan. I didn't care about his character, as there didn't seem to be much below the surface. I was thoroughly bored with his performance throughout the entire film. Stephen Lang makes a decent villain. Rose McGowan is nearly unrecognizable in her role. She gets credit for embracing the over-the-top quality of the film, but she wasn't spectacular. Rachel Nichols manages to give the best performance of the film, but she wasn't anything special, either.

The story feels completely overplayed and redundant. I feel like we've seen all this before. Sure, maybe this version is more violent and features more splattering blood (lots more splattering blood, actually), but there's no heart to this movie at all. It felt like a cheap cash grab, desperately clutching onto any idea that might get a few thousand people to shell out their hard earned money. There isn't a single reason to see this movie. The script is bland and it felt like blood was the answer to every problem. Here's an example- "This fight scene seems kind of boring." "Let's have blood shoot out of someone's head!" There are some ridiculous plot holes and gaps in logic. My favorite has to be when Nichols decides to take an impromptu walk through the forest alone, when she knows there are villains who want to capture her. She's unlucky, because the villains happen to be waiting for her right there, seize the moment, and capture her. This all happens while Conan is sleeping. It's terrible, pathetic writing like this that sinks the movie.

There's a few decent action sequences throughout the film, but besides the shiny package, this movie just feel so hollow. It was fun seeing this legitimately cool character back on screen, but viewers and fans deserved so much better than this.

Rating 1-10
Tim's Rating: 5



If You Enjoyed This Movie, We Recommend: Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer