Battleship

Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Tadanobu Asano
Directed by: Peter Berg
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Action, Adventure, Science Fiction
2012

Times Seen:
Tim: 1

Summary: Several NAVY ships are forced to do battle with an invading alien menace in the Pacific Ocean.

Review:

Tim: Battleship faced a huge challenge right from the outset- how could it shake off the feeling that this movie never should have existed in the first place? What is even more absurd is that this movie is based on a board game but features a completely "unique" story (as the board game didn't have any story at all). So, why even bother claiming this was based on a board game and get crap for it? The film should have simply tried to stand on its own. As such, it feels like a badly adapted board game movie that fails on multiple levels. It's bad enough for a movie to seem stupid from the outset, but it's even worse when that movie proves to be really bad. Battleship is very, very bad.

First off, Peter Berg just directs a poor movie. The script is tired, lazy, and filled with cliches. So much of what happens here has already been done before. The characters are too one-dimensional or completely obvious, and the actors don't do a good job of bringing them to life. The film just came across as hastily made, and like no one involved took it serious at all. We have aliens verses NAVY ships (which could be fun), but the film is so filled with plot holes that I almost could not believe it. The whole thing just comes across as completely and totally absurd.

I was really disappointed in the performance of Taylor Kitsch. I honestly don't understand why Hollywood thinks this guy can be a star. It's like watching a corpse act- he's so wooden and instantly forgettable. I can't stand him in these big movies, like he's this great action star. The guy has no personality at all, and I can't wait for his career to fade into oblivion. His character is so uninteresting. The writers telegraph everything about his character in the first few moments, so his whole redemption feels canned. He was a pathetic leading man.

The rest of the cast is bad, too. Rihanna is clearly not an actress, and her short, often one-word lines of dialogue did not impress me. I couldn't stand her here, and I hope she never acts again. I also just don't get Brooklyn Decker. Has she ever practiced acting before? She's just bad. More than anyone though, I am frustrated with Liam Neeson. Why in the world would he take such a pointless, worthless role in a movie that was destined to be horrible? I know the guy is trying to stay busy, but does he know that he can say "no" to a role or two? My god, he did not need to be in this film. Alexander Skarsgard was fine.

There were some moments that really made me cringe. The absolute worst moment was when the old sailors suddenly appeared out of no where on board the USS Missouri. This is such a ridiculous, lazy move. The sheer size of this plot hole is hard to believe. I'm all for paying homage to previous generations and the sacrifices they've made, but this stupid scene made me laugh out loud. Plus, how did this floating museum have so much ammunition on it? These were among the biggest of dozens of plot holes that completely sank the movie. I also want to mention that I absolutely respect the NAVY, the sailors, and the sacrifices they continually make. However, this movie just trips all over itself to love, respect, and honor the NAVY. It just felt like it took this to an absurd degree. It was ridiculous.

The special effects are pretty decent, and it's fun to see these huge alien ships do battle with some of the most powerful battleships in the NAVY fleet. While quite forced, I thought it was clever how this movie paid homage to the original board game by firing at certain quadrants to hit the enemy ships. It was ridiculous and made me laugh, but I suppose I appreciate it as well (but how did no one say, "You sunk my battleship!"?). The battle scenes were decent, but it was hard to appreciate them in the midst of all the problems that plague this movie.

Now, I admit that I fully expected this movie to suck. There was nothing here that suggested this would be good in the least. However, I really tried to give this film a chance to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, it failed. I am really, really glad this bombed at the box office. Stupid, idiotic movies like this deserve to fail, and I hope that it gives Hollywood pause before turning more asinine board games into crap movies. I'm sure that it can work, but this is definitely not the formula. This movie is a complete disappointment, and it was a major waste of time.

Rating 1-10
Tim's Rating: 5



If You Enjoyed This Movie, We Recommend: Independence Day, Battle: Los Angeles